Mugged.

Dick Chainy, no!
Oh God! Dick Chainy, NO!

Dick Chainy
Dick Chainy
Dick Chainy
Dick...

...Chainy,
no!

100 Rupees.

GEORGINA BUSH, NO!
NO,
NO,
NO,
NO,
NO,
GEORGINA BUSH, NO!

No rupees.

Catchya Later

Oh Noo Zeelund with your funny footwear and silly socks

Your bush like an Oompa-Loompa's ... sideburn
and your sea that is so big and wet and turbulent

I do like your pies and your fizzy drinks
and your marginal celebrities

I already miss your sewerage systems
and your carbon neutral taxi companies

Take all glorious vowels and make them an 'eh'
Forever lie about Number 8 wire solutions

Oh Noo Zeelund  I heard you out my caravan window

Your voice like the sweetest X Factor duet
and your lungs scented with pine

And now, I strain my ears to hear you
from Singapore* the tui call is a little faint

And I do miss your schick quattro alps
and your mediocre fashion

And I do miss you

A chocolate map of Tassie, the closest thing I could find to a chocolate map of NZ.

(*Things get a little surreal at this point as my "Catchya later' farewell that started its life on NZ shores is finished in the middle of Changi Airport.)

Life in a Peaceful New World.

A peaceful new world is just an illusion
That's a bear that they're patting, I'll allay the confusion

Is that ducks by the lion?
Should they not quick get flyin?

Sure, it's idyllic and sure it is quaint
But safe from vicious death it most certainly aint

As smiles turn to prayers
Skin riddled with rips and with tears

The lion an atheist, the bear habours rage
Prayers will not save the young and the aged

And so here is the moral
(And it's not plant your garden in sorrel)

If a peaceful new world does ever arrive
And lions and bears do also survive

Bless the shot gun and pray for sharp aim
Christ's love is great, but it won't make them tame.

Bed sock.

Everything you could want in a bed sock.

Gentle

Made by Granny

Foot shaped

No breezy ankles

An outer day-sock

An inner night-sock

Safe from chilly sheets

My night time Hot Toddy

A foot blankie

A dry knitted pacifier

And a friendly odour

All of my own

That's why I wear jeans

And why I adore wool.

Guest Poet

Anna Chinn is the Otago Daily Times most widely read blogger. It is possible that even people as far away as Waitati and Brockville will have heard of her.

In the past Anna and I have collaborated on a poem about a bush tick, see www.odt.co.nz/blog/anna-chinn (and forgive the minor spelling error); and now in glorious google weblog format, Anna's raptastic contribution to marital dispute resolution, and this blog's first guest post:

Don't Have a Domestic - Have a Rap Battle!

Wife: Cook me some eggs, Matt, cook me some eggs! Next time you leave it this late I gon' hide away my legs!

Husband: My name is Matthew Man, I turned 16 in Japan, but now I'm 26 and you're gettin on my tits.

Wife: Did you just call me a bitch?

Husband: No I did not call you a bitch.

Wife: I was not paying attention - reading 'Weddings' '96.

Husband: Hold up, hold up, I'm a finish my rhyme. If you do not let me spit it I will not clean out the grime.

Wife: Word, dawggy-dawg, shit, you know I gotcha back, I'm a letchoo get along here with this dis rap battle attack.

Husband: My name is Matthew Man, I turned 16 in Japan, if you do not do the dishes I will not fry you da pan!

Wife: Rub-a-dub, hub, you have got some misplaced beef! I already did the dishes, you will always be my chief. Rapmanda must sign off now, though I really hate to taper, but the real deal is that we runnin' outta paper.


ODT Blogger, Anna Chinn

Not really a poem

Prelude: I'm a little anxious about getting rabies. It used to be that saying "no" was enough to prevent it, now I think I need to say "no" in more languages than one and combine a range of strategies. This is not really a poem, it's more something I just need to declare to the world (or at least to the two people who read my blog) - it brings me a little calm in the face of a fatal infection of the brain.


Say "no" to rabies
Sige "nej" til rabies

sabihin ng "hindi" sa rabis
zeg "nee" tegen hondsdolheid

dire "no" alla rabbia
Or as we say in Italian, "mai dire "no" a fare l'amore dolce"

Combine hard-core preventative strategies:
NEVER GO ANYWHERE!!!!
THROW OUT YOUR STUFFED TOYS!!!!
SLEEP INSIDE A WATERBED!!!!
INSIDE IT!!!!

Be copius with soap
Do not trust anyone
Ask yourself, 'Have I seen Dave Seville lately?'
No, I don't think you have
Chipmunks have rabies too you know.


This dog possibly has rabies.

Excuse my language.

Fuck* man.
Yeah,
That's right.

I got crazy
spinning thoughts
I got crazy
plastic forks

I got a
two flush toilet
and a tin of boiled pork.

Duck man.
Boy,
He can fight.

He got crazy
kung fu feet
He got tender
breast meat

He got a
scar from Vietnam
and intolerance to wheat.

Lady man.
Oh,
What a sight.

She got crazy
lady bits
She got crazy
man tits

She got a
dental bill from Georgia
and some underwear that fits.

Man man.
Mmmm,
He just might.

He's a man
who don't rhyme
all he ever says is
...
...
... ... cunt*.



The Fantastic Four.

*(Sorry about the foul language mum.)