I.N.D.I.A

I is for Ike Turner, a lover of curries

N is for Nehru Nehru a kind of potato

D is for Diana, how I wish she were alive

I is for Ivana Tinkle, although actually I don't

A is for Apu.

Oh my blog!

Oh my blog
My blog
Oh my...

It was Worzel Gummidge who said
Advance - to the land of swedes!
Could as easily have been manglebeets and turnips.

So how does my garden grow?
Nitrogen deficient and stoney
The birds eating my lettuce.

I'm still a gas guzzler
Still throwing out non recyclable plastics
I wear a green jersey.

An occasional tweet on twatter
Checking my web statistics
Powerpointing.

Titanium with a 3mill gold inlay
And a girl beside me with two rings
Lately Ross is our favourite friend.

And I nearly forgot
Mildly allergic
At least to stings on the head.

Pussies. Pure and Simple.

a herd of rampaging hippopotapussies
in historic times would have been brontosauramapussies
...maybe?
either way
both have trouble with tin openers, wire cutters, hair straightners
and other
UTENSILS.
god is laughing


(There's three of them, so yes the correct plural form would be Pygmy Marmosepussies)

Cafe Culture

Aloof
Click Click

Aloof
Click Click

At cafe
Ask for coffee

Yes I'm cool
Are you talkin to mee?

Ah yes, um well
I'd like sugar

Mm ahh swoosh
Here's my haughty nose boogar

Ok thanks, that looks good
food

You want it huh?
That depends on mood

The setting's great
Coffee ain't bad

But the wait staff clique
I find quite sad

Click E E
Click E E

Cafe hair and cafe cool
Altogether bland to me.

Bits.

Mm Mm U-huh
Mm Mm U-huh
Stop.

I got bits in my teeth
I got bits on the floor

I got bits on the bits
Where no bits were before

Ha-ha-ha
I laugh at myself

But that bit about bits
Yo it's serious bitch.

I can't help but think
This is F-O-T-C

But the thing about that
Is they're them and not me

Who's me? Why's me
Is that bits that I see?

The bits on my arm
Bits on my TV

Now stop.
It's time for new vocabdury

So I break it down like this
Yeah it's way OTP

A-wiggedee wiggidee wee
A-wakka vonTrapp

A-chitty chitty bang
A-bitty bitty slap!!!

Ho-ho-ho no he didn't?!
Yeah it's a fact

He wrote about bits
Yeah he made it a rap!

Toasty Armenians

Toasty Armenian bread...
...that's not even toasted
Pressure cooked loaves...
...that aren't even cooked
They're just pressure loaves.

Roasted parma ham...
...that I call proscweeto
Dried beer grass...
...that was fresh on my wedding day
And is now dangerous like cutty grass.

Paul Newman Mayonnaise...
...that's now without its master
It could be Paul Mayonnaise and I'd still eat it
Still consume it straight from the bottle
Coz that's how Datt rolls.

Michael Jackson

Ode to Michael

Oh Michael
You man-boy you
With your man-boy love
And your man-boy voice

I share your white pain
Only my vitiligo doesn't hurt
And as long as I don't tan
I'm ok

Somebody should have handed you a mirror
You needed to take a look at yourself
It might have told you
Poor boy you're bound to die

But we are all bound to die Michael
Eventually
Neverland never was forever
You simply purchased too much antique shit

When I was a little boy you would have liked me
I made up a finger game
When I pulled my friends little finger
They went 'Ow', just like you

I also wrote a play
It was called, The Rock and Roll Band*
I starred as you and sang Beat It
Huh... I've never been as in to you as I was then

I just had a little puke
But don't take it the wrong way
You're still somebody's hero
Just not mine

At least,
Not anymore
Coz, well...
My heroes are alive

Mel Gibson and Optimus Prime are alive.



* The Rock and Roll Band
By Matthew

The characters in the play are:

Rokenrolli Nicholas
Tom Cruise Tom
Michael Jackson Matthew
Reader Alison
Jason Donovan Glen

Reader: One day Rock and Roll Band were practicing for their next concert that was in two days time.

Jason: That's enough.
Reader: Ring ring ring
Tom: Hey dudes, wow.
Roken: Hi dude. Wow. Guys we're going to Hollywood.
Reader: They went to Dunedin Airport in a limousine.
Tom: This is choice!
Reader: They stopped at the airport and got out.
Michael: Get our luggage.

Reader: They arrived at the airport at Hollywood. They got on stage.
Tom: Here is a song called Beat It

Michael sings Beat It: "Beat it, beat it. Get a car and beat it. It doesn't matter just as long as you're there so beat it, beat it, get a car and beat it yeah"

Reader: When they had finished they signed some autographs. They got in their limousine. They went to the hotel.

The End.